Fourteen

Tonight I sat with Owen in the dark listening to the rain and hearing the thunder break in the distance. I was thinking about my young self… The me in Peyton’s age-range – 12 to 14ish. I vaguely remember that girl. She had long blonde hair and a red phone shaped like a hexagon that plugged in to the wall. She talked on it well in to the night, buried under her blankets. She knew everything.

If I could go back in time and talk to this young me, what would I say? What would I tell this girl who truly believed she knew everything?

For starters, I would tell her not to crash her car in to that tree. I would tell her the tall blonde guy her freshman year of college is gay, so don’t bother. I would tell her to avoid the whole hair crimping phase because that style really looks stupid on just about everyone. I would tell her to appreciate her young flexible hips, and if she ever wants to run a marathon maybe give it a try before 4 children come shooting through her body. I would encourage her to learn as much as possible, read as much as she can, and pay extra close attention in math class. I would ask her to be gentle with the feelings of others, and especially her own. I would tell her that relationships should not be THAT hard, and if they are it’s best to walk away and never look back. I would convince her that she is not fat. Her body is strong and fantastic and magical and she can just quit staring angrily in the mirror at the slope of her belly and the curve of her outer thighs… I would show her that the best beauty is the kind that radiates from the inside. That with time and age this beauty grows, not fades.

But she wouldn’t listen. Her eyes would glaze over and she would look bored.

What’s more, I did have somebody tell me many of these things. My mom was there always whispering, and sometimes shouting these things into my life. Often times her wisdom and advice trickled in, and was immediately ignored… But it remained there, lodged in the deepest parts of my subconscious… And wouldn’t you know it, her words, her story, her truths rode up like waves as I grew older -- teaching me, reminding me, edging me in the right direction.

Remember in the movie Superman how he had a secret ice kingdom deep in the snowy mountains? There was a special part of that home that his father had created. Ice crystals of all different shapes and sizes that when placed into a special device would play all the many life lessons his father wanted his son to learn. I feel I learn in this way, too… In increments, and sometimes retrospectively. Little crystals of knowledge stored and then played when the time is right.

Unfortunately, part of growing up is stumbling. Part of growing up is falling down rabbit holes and getting lost deep deep in the woods… Then finding the way out. Part of learning is making mistakes and regretting.

There is a young girl I watch carefully now. There is a young girl I want desperately to listen to me. I wish I could tell her everything. And I try. She has long blonde hair and curls up on her bed with her phone. She knows everything. But I am whispering, whispering, whispering into her mind… And though I know she will sometimes fall, and though I know it will be painful to watch – I hope and pray that I am everywhere in her mind to catch her, ease her, and edge her in the right direction.