I have already been asked… and if you’re over 40 you know
the question because you were probably asked, too. “How does it FEEL?”
Because turning 40 is a big deal apparently. Not like
turning 37 or 39 or 42. Feelings come along with graduating to the fourth
decade.
So I’ve thought about it, taking careful stock of how I might
feel. And, well… it appears (so far
anyway, 2 weeks from the big day) that it’s all good. I’m here now. Life is a
progression, so really, I can’t imagine NOT turning 40. Though if you had asked
me years ago, I would have told you that 40 is old as dirt.
I remember my Mom turning 40. I was a sophomore in high school.
There was a banner on the wall that said “Lordy Lordy, Marty is Forty!” I
distinctly remember thinking: well, so now my mom is OLD. But looking back, she
was anything but. There is a picture of her from that night. She is wearing a
pair of skinny Guess jeans. Her arm is looped over one of her best friend’s
shoulders. She has long black hair and she’s smiling really big and happy-like
for the camera. She was a far cry from OLD.
Perhaps I’m okay with moving forward because I really have
no desire to go back. There is certainly not an age from my past I would prefer being. My twenties were a time
for learning, making mistakes, fumbling around, and ultimately searching for
what truly brings me authentic joy. Hint: 4 martinis in a row does not bring joy. Neither
do cigarettes. Memories from this era are cringe-worthy in retrospect – as they
should be. They are entertaining as well. The lessons I learned were learned
the hard way – the messy way. And that was okay because it was just me on the journey. The discovery process sounded a bit like: "Oh crap. That sucked. Better not do that again. Or... maybe I will do it again just a few more times to be sure..." I had a lot of fun too, but it’s not
the kind of fun that appeals to me these days. I do thank God and Jesus that
smart phones and social media did not yet exist – lest I be faced with
photographic documentation for the rest of my life.
Though my teen years for all intents and purposes were
pretty idyllic, I would never want to repeat them either. It makes me sad to
see someone who feels their glory days have been lived out in their teens
and everything else is downhill. I was
extremely blessed to live in a safe place where my ultimate responsibility was
to go to school and have fun. But as is typical for that age, I didn’t know I
was blessed and I wanted desperately to move to the next thing. It is true at
that age I could eat pizza followed by ice cream only to wash it all down with
dr. pepper, and somehow not gain weight and/or feel like I would fall into a
refined sugar/carbohydrate induced coma and eventually die… But it still
doesn’t make me want to be a teenager.
My late twenties and the entirety of my thirties consisted
of getting married and building our family. We crashed into adult-life and
parenthood the way a bus crashes into a semi truck. The day after our wedding
we discovered we were also pregnant. Surprise! So in one fell swoop I was newly
married, and a mother. It has been non-stop from there. Peyton, then quickly
Quincy, and a few short years later – Brooklyn. Then low and behold, just when
things started to slow down a little – Owen!! It has been a whirlwind, and it
hasn’t always been easy. In fact, it has often been quite challenging. Bringing little
humans into the world and attempting to raise them is really exhausting and
hard work. But it is also wonderful. The lessons I’ve learned this decade have
been the most rewarding… the joy I have felt has been the most pure. Though again, I would never ever want to re-live these
years…
So here I am now, with all of these people who belong to me –
who I belong to… And it feels like just the beginning. I am fully aware the
years ahead will come with their own set of obstacles. The years always do… But
hopefully, now that I am a seasoned woman of forty (snort) who has been jostled
and bounced around a bit with all these life experiences, I will be able to
charge onward and find the blessings and beauty in the things I have yet to
experience. Hopefully I will be able to face the darker moments with courage and strength. I am so excited to watch my kids grow. I am so excited that this is
a “new chapter” for me and for John. It’s bananas to think that in another
decade I will have a 21 year old (Peyton) and a 10 year old (Owen).
So, I “FEEL” good. I hope my body cooperates and
stays healthy. But I won’t complain about getting older because it is a gift.
In fact, I will try to remember to be thankful for every day that I’m given. (I
would have never been able to do that in my 20’s). And maybe (God-willing) when
I’m writing a post on my 90th birthday I’ll admit that I’m actually
getting up there in years. But not yet.
